You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
