so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
