she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
