Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
