My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
