I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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