Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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