This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
