i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
