How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize