the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
