im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
