i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
