He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
