Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
