i wish my penis had a tongue
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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