Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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