I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize