I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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