you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize