you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize