watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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