So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
