This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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