This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize