He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
