A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
