my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize