Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
