id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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