i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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