Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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