She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
