Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
