well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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