I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
