Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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