I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
