Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude i'm inner monologue high
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
