i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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