the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
