no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
