the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
