he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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