i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Randomize