the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
