wakey wakey hands off snakey
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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