I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
