I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
