I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
