I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
