Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
