So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
