last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
