I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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