Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
People in love make me want to vomit
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
