The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
