he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
