My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
