Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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