Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
