It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
